Free Flow Saturday Night Thoughts
I have moments of sadness recently. Like most thoughts associated with depression, my thoughts that make me saddest are not of the present, the sad thoughts are about something from the past, a reminiscent or less seldom of the unknown future. These were thoughts of all the time wasted with medical issues I have, the surgeries to correct the issues (over 14 now), appointments before then after, physical therapy, rehabilitation and then the cost of them all. I feel helpless and hopeless.
It’s a feeling as if I’ve been inconsiderate to control my medical limitations. Tears of sadness and the feelings of guilt overwhelm me I think how my medical needs all has stolen precious time from my life and the lives of my family preventing us all from a decent quality of life. The most pressing example are the medical expenses. The cost is so expensive which drives us to work nonstop and we can’t afford a vacation like we want. We haven’t gone a full vacation since 2010. It seems the our only way out of debt would be my death so my husband can get the life insurance and clear our name. God, just writing that and thinking it through has made me even sadder.
Why did I do to be given illness diagnosis or conditions and defects needing surgeries? I don’t like being a patient and I don’t like for people to feel sorry for me. I’m done with this crap and want a life where I can climb Stone Mountain and travel with my husband. I want to see Scotland with my husband and experience fun times again. Everyday, I wish and hope I can be passionate with him and for him to hold me like we did years ago. I know physically I can’t and thus we can’t. If brought up, I am told tomorrow or later. Then, as days, weeks, months, and years fly by it never happens.
He does deserve better and I know he can do so much better, someone vibrant, someone wealthy, someone physically able and active, and someone good looking that he is sexually driven towards. I use to be that man for him and I miss feeling the validation, hope, and security it brought to me. I miss being that guy, that man for us.
